How to get your child to behave in the supermarket (a Helium article)

I have a large family, so when I shop for groceries, we’re talking about over an hour in the store, an overflowing cart, and a minimum of two kids with me. Other than having better things to do, I can‘t say I dread it. There are no temper tantrums or melt downs. There is no demanding of what they want or stomping of feet. I also don’t bribe or yell. My secret? Duct tape. Just kidding.


Children are very intuitive little creatures and can smell weakness like a coyote smells a rabbit. They also have more energy than we do and are prepared for long battles, if it means the end result will be their way. Too many moms let this get to them. They try to fight a good fight, but tend to end up exhausted and surrendering to the whims of person that’s 2 feet and 100 pounds smaller than they are. This is like a dog walking the owner or an lion training the tamer. 


First of all, remember who is the boss. (That’s you, not them, by the way). Let them know that you have to go shopping and you expect them to behave. If they’re not used to behaving, lay out some rules. Think about this beforehand because if you pause, stutter, hesitate, or seem unsure, they’ll immediately register weakness and play it against you. Some examples of rules; There is NO running. NO leaving the cart. NO yelling. DON’T ask for anything. And DON’T hide under the shelves. Look them in the eye when you lay this out for them. If you don’t think they’re paying attention, have them repeat the rules back to you. Helps them to register it sometimes (if it doesn’t have something to do with candy or a game controller, they may discard it as irrelevant information).  


Set consequences for any broken rules. Again, think about this ahead of time. A significant mistake often made in parenting is not being consistent, or not following through on threats. Some popular “worn out Mom phrases” I often hear are, “Do you want a time out/spank?”. Really, what does this accomplish? Is the child going to say, “Yes, as a matter of fact, that’s exactly what I was going for”? No silly, this is a futile effort on your part to hope that the child cares enough about you being frustrated that he’ll have empathy and quit misbehaving. Key word; futile. They don’t care. Remember, it’s the end result they’re after.


Another “worn out Mom phrase" is, ”I won’t buy you anything if you don’t stop”. Say what? First of all, we all know, including the child, that you’re going to buy something anyway. So this is a waste of breath. Besides, shouldn’t your children be behaving because they’re taught to, not because you’re bribing them to? What’s going to happen when the bribe you are offering isn’t good enough? Yikes, it will get worse. 


Now some good consequences for unacceptable behavior that I have used are; a pinch under the arm as a warning that they are getting out of hand and that I notice. (Settle down, I’m not talking bruises). It’s a silent reminder. No yelling necessary. Let them know ahead of time that you will do this so they know it’s a signal (that they better quit!). After that, if the poor behavior continues, it’s a good time for an embarrassing whack on the backside. The humiliation, not the whack, humbles them and sends them a clear message that you’re paying attention and that you’re serious. Last resort, turn around and bring them out of the store. Take them to the car and choke them. JUST. KIDDING. But do follow through with a serious punishment. Something that will make them regret their behavior and think twice about trying to pull it again. Such as; no video games until they can prove they can behave during the next shopping trip. Or no dessert, early bedtime, extra chores, digging holes… until next shopping trip. This keeps them on the hook, and your expectations fresh on their mind for next time. And next time should be more pleasant. 


If not, there’s always duct tape.

Having so many children really does put a lot of stress on the wallet. Matter of fact, it beats it with a tree branch and the Macy's turkey Day Parade marches over it. Putting clothes on their backs takes up a chunk of the budget. While we do get to pass along a decent amount of wardrobe from one kid to the next, I still have to buy some new clothes, for each one, a couple of times a year. 


When I was growing up we were poor. Shopping was done at the St. Mary's Church and my Grandmother and mother weren't very particular about what they pulled off the racks. As long as it fit and didn't have holes or stains. Ok, so I lived, but being a modern Mom, I try to be more style savvy about what I get for my kids. 


I do shop at the Goodwill. I can spend a long time there, sorting through rack after rack, and find some awesome clothes that even my teen and pre teen like. Sears has good sales, some stuff comes from Wal-Mart, and I pick up the occasional outfits from Old Navy, Children's Place, etc. The picture I'm trying to paint here is that my kids, despite there being so many, and my husband's wallet being beat like meat, are bought nice clothing.


Well, all that to get to this....


I send them outside to wait for their bus (which comes down our driveway b/c we're so far from the road) and they do what kids do, they play. They jump, they roll, they clobber, they tackle, they throw, they run, and they trip. So by the time the bus rolls down the driveway, all the trouble I went to, the money I spent, and the time I invested in picking out cool outfits, and these kids are getting on the bus and going to school covered in grass, hay, clay, mud and dirt. On their clothes, in their hair, stuck to their backpacks. :/


I often wonder what their teachers must think.


So to all the teachers out there, and anyone else who sees my son wearing Old Navy pants with grass on the knee, or my daughter in a Children's Place dress with hay stuck to it, I did not send them out of my care that way. Last I had them, they were bathed, brushed, combed, tucked in, and looking nice. There's a vortex, a time warp, a black hole if you will, between my front door, and the door of the school bus, where chaos ensues. Jay and I have both tried to fight it, but try as we might, it's a place where we just can't quite reach. I think you have to be under five feet tall to get in. 


"Kiah! Tie your shoelaces before you..... Kiah! Now you have grass all over you!"


"Gabbi, don't roll with the puppies on the ground before school!"


"Zoe, don't kick the dirt around"


"DJ! Don't tackle your brother!"


"Zachy! Don't tackle DJ!"


"Kiah, tie your shoes!"


Sigh. It's a battle I fight with valor and yet my kids still go to school looking like they live outside, dirty clothes, hair a mess, shirts untucked and shoes scuffed. Old lady in the shoe comes to mind.


But I must admit, after the first bus comes and goes, and as the the second bus' engine idles away into the distance, I exhale. It no longer matters what they're wearing to school. The grass stains don't matter. The mussed up hair doesn't matter. And the untied shoes don't matter, b/c when I start to walk around the house to begin my household chores, I curse the little buggers for the chaos they leave behind after they leave, and I swear I'm going to choke every one of them when they get home. In which case, clothing becomes unnecessary. :)


Settle down, I haven't killed one yet. ;)

Misery and its company

Recently I found out that there's a few people from high school (I graduated sixteen years ago) who can't stand me. Save your tears, I'm ok with it. What I was, was shocked. 


It began with an old classmate having a tree fall through her bedroom roof during a bad storm. Nobody was hurt, they were sleeping in the basement, and it was only the bedroom that was damaged. They had insurance, a place to stay at their parents house, and a trailer provided for them while repairs are being done to restore the bedroom.


Day after day went by and this chick is going on and on about how everything is horrible, she's devastated, has a headache, too much to do... sing me a song, oh violin player. 


Let me establish that I do feel badly about anyone going through any kind of a rough time. Especially when children are involved. I will always offer advice, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or some lasagna and cupcakes. Well, this chick lives in another state, so I couldn't do much of that, but I did offer some positive thoughts when it first happened.


After maybe a week of pity posts from my old classmate, I thought of some advice to give her. Regarding a post that said she had a throbbing headache, I responded with something to the effect of, "Nobody was hurt, you have insurance, you have places to stay, and you're ending up with a new bedroom. Some thankfulness might take care of that headache". 


Now I really meant that with the best of intentions. The best thing you can do for someone in her situation is get her to pick up her big girl panties and get on with it. Or is that just me?

What she lost was minimal. And it was all being replaced. With accommodations for all their needs in the meantime.


She's lucky.


There are people who have lost everything to fires. Men and women who lost their jobs during the recession and are still struggling. Families who lost their homes to foreclosure, floods and hurricanes. And parents who are walking out of hospitals without their little ones. There is no insurance company in the world that can replace those kind of losses. It's not as simple as living in a trailer for three months waiting to move into your new bedroom and life goes back to normal.  


Well, she and a couple of her friends didn't agree with me. That's alright, not everyone does. But then they started some juvenile BS that took me back to elementary school. One girl, whom I barely even remember, said she couldn't stand me. Hmm, I must have made a bigger impression in her life than she did in mine. I'll have to go look her up in the yearbook, see if I can remember who she is. Or not.


Another chick, whom I don't know at all, jumped in with saying I must be too busy "kicking puppies" when I wouldn't respond to their immature taunts. I did respond to that, however, asking what she was talking about, but she didn't want to tell. Alrighty then.


NOTE; I do not kick puppies. Without reason. Just kidding. I don't.


These are full grown women, ladies and gentlemen. Wives, business owners, parents. Sticking their tongues out at me and calling me names. Because I told them something they didn't want to hear. I wonder if they stomped their feet while typing out their insults at me too? 


Moral of my story; appreciate what you have. Look on the bright side. Count your blessings. Think of people who have it far worse than you. And steer clear of people being negative, they can get nasty, mean, and childish. They don't want your advice, they just want your attention and sympathy because they lack their own coping skills. Misery loves company, and that's one party I refuse to attend.

The new "gay", my $.02

   There is currently a hot debate over the term "gay". As in, "That movie was so gay", or, "My mom won't let me go to the party, she's being gay". In my opinion, it's just something else to get hot under the collar about and protest. Ironically, it seems to be the "straight" community who takes the most offense. Well, thanks for stepping up to the plate, but really, there's no need to get all popular-actress-in-a-commercial about it.


   As most of us know, "gay" used to mean "joyful", "carefree", "bright and showy" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay). As a matter of fact, this was how the term "gay" was used for most of its existence (twelfth century-seventeenth century). In the late seventeenth century it came to mean "addicted to pleasures and dissipations." ( Oxford English Dictionary, entry for Gay.).   "In the early 19th Century it was used to refer to women who lived off immoral earnings," (Clive Upton, professor of Modern English Language at Leeds University). And then in the nineteen seventies it became a term to describe the homosexual lifestyle. 


   Nowadays it has taken on a different meaning; 

gay
	lame, not worthy of attention, waste of time, stupid or idiotic You're so gay! That was the lamest joke ever!

 (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gay&page=2)

   When you hear somebody referring to a movie as being gay, a joke as being gay, or the person telling the joke as being gay, they are not accusing the movie, joke, or jokester as being homosexual, they are saying it was "stupid", "lame", "boring" or just generally disliked.

   Even when I call my lgbt friends "gay", I'm not telling them they are homosexual, they already know that, I'm saying something they did or said was lame.

   Hey, speaking of lame, "lame" used to mean; 

lame

¹  noun

adjective

1.

crippled or physically disabled, especially in the foot or leg soas to limp or walk with difficulty.

2.

impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm. (1)


   Then; 

3.

weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse. (2)

   And THEN; 

4.  Slang . out of touch with modern fads or trends;unsophisticated. (3) [ (1), (2), and (3) all taken from  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lame )

   So do disabled people take offense when something is referred to as "lame"? Did happy people get pissed when the homosexuals took "gay"? And the next time someone says I look "killer", should I come up with an alibi? :P

   The English language is ever evolving. If it didn't we'd be saying, "Wherefore art thou?" instead of  "Where you at?" ;) Come on now people, get with it. :P