I'm ok, I'm not ok, I'm ok...

These next three weeks are going to be very, very long. Coda's total cravial vault reconstruction is scheduled for April 13, and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand I am relieved to finally get a date. As much as I am in no rush to lay my daughter under the surgeon's knife, waiting in limbo to find out when you can take the next step and get on with life is difficult. On the other hand, now that it's scheduled, I actually have a date and I can officially start freaking out as I count down the days to when we walk into that hospital with packed bags and pillows.

I'm not a complete stranger to the way life throws curve balls at you. I've learned you can't always dodge them, but to just take them as they come. While I may go on and on about how I don't want my daughter to have to have this surgery, and how my heart is hurting, at the same time, in the midst of it all, I know there are much worse things in life to worry about. I know she'll come out of this just fine. Some babies have had more than one of these surgeries and they're doing great! At least I am going to get to walk out of those hospital doors with my baby after all is said and done that week. I realize this, and I never forget to count my blessings.

So what's the problem then? They're going to cut my baby's head open! On purpose! This is not an endoscopic surgery (although they do offer those for some cases of cranio in newborns), this is good old fashioned Frankenstein stuff. She'll have some big old zig zag stitch running from one side of her head, across the top, and to the other side. No pretty little incision, no, this is the real deal. And they'll be entirely exposing her skull. Yeah, you think you grimaced, how do you think I feel? I happen to love that little freakin head of hers just the way it is, and if it wasn't going to interfere with her brain, I'd leave it. I'd make her custom hats.

My oldest son had surgery at 3 months for Pyloric Stenosis. My oldest daughter had to go in for several cortisone injections, while sedated, when she was a toddler (JRA). Another son had hernia surgery, along with Jay, and twice we went through tubes in the ears. Oh, a couple of stitches here and there and a few broken bones too. But none of those freaked me out as much as this experience is. I think there is a two-fold reason for this; One, that there is nothing wrong with her! With the pyloric stenosis and hernia surgeries, the sedation for the cortisone injections, and the tubes in the ears, there was an obvious problem that we were eager to get fixed. It's always hard to see your child get stuck, wired, and knocked out, especially knowing they're about to be cut by a surgeon's knife, but the others were pretty common surgeries and it was to eliminate pain. In Coda's case, she's not in any pain. As of right now (somehow, thank God), she hasn't even suffered the slightest development delay! So it almost feels like I am handing my daughter over for a very serious surgery... for nothing.

The second aspect of this surgery that creeps at me is where the surgery is going to be done. For Pete's sake, it's her head! If it was her knee, ankle, leg, ear, or any other part of her body, I think it would be easier. But her head! It's so personal, sensitive, dangerous... and it's obviously not all soft tissue. I know what kind of tools they are going to have to use... :S

All that aside, I am hanging in there. I'm not particularly nervous or worried, just really not looking forward to it. I know once it is all over she will be fine, no more worries about pressure on the brain, migraines or seizures. She'll never remember the ordeal and her scar will fade and be covered by hair. But in the meantime, I am going to go through my moments where this all feels unreal. Who ever heard of "Craniosynostosis" anyway? You hear about these kids who have to have surgeries for all these different things, but you never, ever imagine it might one day be your child who is being pulled around that hospital in a wagon hooked up to an iv. But here again, when I am feeling sad or anxious, I also keep in perspective that at least there's no radiation or chemo running through her veins and she will be walking out of that hospital on her own two legs (well, Jay will probably carry her to the car, but you get the point).