I've learned a neat little trick. It's called "No". Simple, yet effective. Here's how it's done:

"Mom, can I have (candy, gum, this toy, a cell phone, all your money, this game where everybody kills everybody else, etc)?"

"No"

"But..."

"No"

"How..."

"No"

No stress, no arguing, no room for options. Often the "No" may need to be followed up with a "Walk Away", which goes like this:

"Ooh, look what I found!"

"No"

"What if..."

"No" >>> followed by Walk Away.

"Mom? Where are you going?"

Continue the Walk Away.

<Child (or hubby) sighs and runs to catch up>

That's it! Also very effective when someone assumes you must have less to do than they do, such as:

Ring (telephone)

"Hello?"

"Hi Kel! How's it going?"

"Good, how are you?"

Audible sigh, "Ah, I'm a little stressed and not feeling too well. I was wondering if you could watch the kids for me for a little bit?"

"No"

<silence>

"Well, ok then, guess I'll talk to you later then..."

"Ok, have a good one, hope you feel better!" (>>> telephone version of the Walk Away)

Another example:

"Hey man, you got $20 I can borrow?"

"No. See ya later!"

Simple.

All humor aside though, it is very important to remember that in doing a favor that requires more energy, time, and/or money to be sucked out of your oasis, you may be taking on more than you can sanely or financially handle. If it doesn't sound like a good idea to you, it's probably not a good idea. Of course there are times a loved one really does need something that you are more than willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to help with. Hey, that's great. But those times aside, don't be afraid to tell your co-workers, your in-laws, your neighbors, and your children "No". Most Moms have a zillion things running through our heads at any given time, 95% of it (or more) dedicated to OTHERS. This isn't a bad thing, it's what we were made for, it's what we can handle (b/c if we don't handle it, who will... the men? HAHAHAHA). So in the name of self preservation it really is ok to say "No" when we need to. Really.

Now, in using the "No" approach it is essential to remember that "No" leaves no room for negotiation. If you hand out a "No", but then allow yourself to get sucked into an argument about it, or worse, give in and switch to a "Yes" (gasp!), you are ruining it for the rest of us. Be firm. Try it in front of a mirror, "No". Be prepared!


Now, I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully. Do NOT feel guilty! No way ma'am. You work too hard, take on too much, and handle enough. Moms are suckers for guilt, so you may be tempted to wear it, but fight it. Or at least pretend you don't feel guilty about it until you get the hang of it :P.

Ok, if you use the "No" and your child (or co worker, neighbor, or husband) throws himself on the floor in a tantrum, DO NOT PANIC. This is a cureable side effect of too many "Yes's". Often the shock of "No" for the first few times is more than they can handle. It is essential to use the Walk Away in this situation. Nobody wants to be left behind, they'll catch up :P.

Once your "No" has been put into practice you should find amazing things happen. Your stress levels lower, your confidence rises, and you experience what all Moms everywhere strive for; control. You may feel nervous the first few times, but act like you mean it anyway. Don't get upset or frustrated if the one receiving the "No" at first tries to change your mind. This is normal in the beginning. Moms spend so much time trying to please everyone else that when you say "No", the recipient of the rejection may at first think he or she heard you wrong. It's ok, play it cool. You may have to say it again, "No". This is a good time to use the Walk Away, so you don't back down or show weakness. Children especially have a weakness detecting gland and innate abilities to crack you open and leave your guts hanging if you're not well prepared. Stay strong!

Good luck! And enjoy all the stress free, nag free, guilt free extra time you will be awarding yourself! :)